you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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