Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
