complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
