i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
