We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
