I smell stomach acid.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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