There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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