That's when you crack a 10am beer
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
