you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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