yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
