u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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