if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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