so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize