after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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