if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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