I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
