i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
