My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
