it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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