My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You dont lie about slip and slides
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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