I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
