In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
