Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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