Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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