Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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