I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
