Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
