i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
