I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
