Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize