I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
