if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
