Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
