My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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