If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sext me about skeletons
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
