so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
