We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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