I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
