3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
