By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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