dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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