I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
