I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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