I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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