I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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