I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
