Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
