Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
