I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
