haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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