i permit you to call me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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