guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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