glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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