seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
