She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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