Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
