Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
His nipple licking is glorious
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