I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
