Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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