I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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