I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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